a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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