community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
