haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
