Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
