I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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