I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
