Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
