You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
