If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
