After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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