It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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