i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
