you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
