yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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