I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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