Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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