I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
