I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
