Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
