the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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