i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
