OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
