Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
