Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
