we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize