Im at strip club and am horny
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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