Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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