Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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