he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
