Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
