Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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