So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
