dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
