sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize