So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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