I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
