he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
