Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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