i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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