Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
