Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's blow job season.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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