Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
