i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
