You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
