We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
