The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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