Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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