peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
