Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
