What a fucking waste of an outfit
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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