Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
