DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
even my farts smell like vagina
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
