Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
