I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize