I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
