Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize