He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
