I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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