sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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