I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
