Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
