I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
