i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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