Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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