My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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