You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
