my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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