I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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