You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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