Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
