Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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