I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
